Why People Think Leaving Will Make Them Happier

When a person embarks on their OTD journey, they often convince themselves they've found a path to a better life. They envision a future of freedom and self-actualization — a future away from all the problems of their past.

If they were struggling with shidduchim, they imagine leaving will open a world of dating opportunities. If they were unhappy with the yeshiva system, they imagine a non-frum school for their children will be the answer they're looking for. If they come from an abusive family, they think they'll find "chosen family" on the outside who will be safer and more loving than their family by birth.

But does it really work that way? Do they really find sustainable happiness on the outside? Is leaving, in the long run, an upgrade? Usually not.

So why do people make this choice to leave? How do they convince themselves this is the best choice in their long-term interest?

People who leave often fall prey to two key cognitive biases — flawed thinking patterns that lead them to mistake what feels good in the moment, and what might genuinely be a short-term improvement, for what is best for them in the long run.

Bias OneThe Focusing Illusion

The focusing illusion is the tendency to exaggerate the impact something will have on your wellbeing. It's the false belief that changing one crucial thing will be far more significant, and improve your life in more positive ways, than it actually will.

Daydreaming about how much better your life would be if you were a millionaire is an example of the focusing illusion. At the end of the day, research shows that your happiness level will probably not change drastically in the long run. We've become more wealthy as a society over the last few centuries — but we haven't grown more happy. Sure, it would be nice to have a lot of money, but having more money won't make you substantially happier. It's just your brain deceiving you, focusing on one feature of life and believing that feature will make you happier than it really will.

Another study found that most people believe those living in sunny California are overall happier than those living in the midwest. This, too, is the focusing illusion. People fixate on the weather and ignore all the other facets of life — relationship troubles, the mundanities of work, struggles with income — that exist wherever they are. Ultimately, Californians are not substantially happier than those living in less sunny parts of the country.

The same thing happens when a person contemplates going OTD. They focus on a problem in the frum community they believe won't exist outside of it — whether it's abuse, the cognitive dissonance of leading a religious life while holding intellectual doubts, or believing the community has misplaced values. They fixate on this one flaw and believe that by leaving, they will give themselves a better and happier life. And they focus on some positive feature of the outside world — the ability to eat food wherever they go without worrying about kosher; the freedom; the diversity. They believe that change will make them happier and give them a better future.

This is the focusing illusion in action. They're ignoring all the ways their lives will become more complicated by leaving. They're not thinking about the hardships it will cause, the toll it can take on their mental health, the family relationships that will suffer, the friends they will lose, the struggles they will face earning a living. They aren't realizing that over time, that one fix probably won't make them happier after all.

Bias TwoThe Impact Bias

The impact bias is the belief that the strong emotions a person feels during an event will be sustained long term. For example, when someone close to you passes away and you're consumed by grief, if in that period of deep grief you feel like life will never be the same again — like your life will forever be colored by this loss — that is the impact bias in action. Conversely, if something wonderful happens, say you win the lottery, and in that moment of exhilaration you feel your life will be immeasurably improved, that's the impact bias at play as well. You won't live forever in grief, and you won't forever be happier. With time, you'll return to your typical emotional state.

The impact bias influences people contemplating going OTD in two ways:

1. Often people decide to go OTD after feeling hurt by people in the frum community. They leave at a moment when they are feeling strong negative emotions toward it. They see these emotions as fixed, and believe they will always feel hurt and that the community is a hurtful place — giving them good reason to leave. But this is not true. Given time, hurts can be repaired and forgiven. Hurts fade away. The pain they are feeling is not a life sentence, even if they do stay. And there will be many joyous occasions, times of deep connection and meaning, if they stay too.
2. The beginning of the OTD journey is often a very exciting time. They're trying new things, meeting new people, making new friends. These new people applaud them, make them feel superior, and urge them on. It's an exhilarating adventure. Often, the OTD venturer expects that the excitement and happiness and validation they're experiencing as they're introduced to this new secular world will follow them for the rest of their lives. Secular life, they believe, is a much happier, more exciting, more validating place.

But the truth is that the excitement fades. In the long run, a person can't constantly chase new experiences. At some point they need stability. And as they settle down, that initial excitement and happiness will fade away. It is often replaced with loneliness, and with the anxiety of navigating a culture that will forever feel somewhat foreign.